A couple of weeks ago, I noticed a tingling sensation on my bottom lip. This usually only happens when I’m watching a horror movie and the teenagers decide to go into the basement. My lip quivers and I bite it because I know someone is going to get chain-sawed into little pieces.
But since I was not watching a horror movie, I went to the nearest mirror to see what was going on with my lip. There on the left side of my lip was a blister. “Hmmm,” I thought, “How does one get a blister on one’s lip?”
So, I called to the wife for her professional “Dr. Mom” opinion. “Honey, can you see what’s going on with my lip?”
Putting on her reading glasses, she studied my lower lip thoroughly, pulling it out, lifting up, and pinching it.
“Welf,” I said while she was still holding my lip. “Wha isth ith? Ith ith therious?”
“You have got yourself a good case of herpes simplex,” she announced.
“Good Lord!” I said defensively. “I have never cheated on you, I swear! Hand to God, you are the only woman I’ve been with!”
“Relax, Casanova, herpes simplex is also known as a cold sore, fever blister, or canker sore.”
“Oh, thank God,” I said totally relieved. “It’s swollen and it hurts. My normally beautiful smile is hideous. I look like that thing hiding in the basement waiting for the teens to come downstairs so he can scare them with his lip and then saw them into pieces. How do we fix this?”
“Actually, Dear,” the wife said, “there isn’t much you can do. You just have to let it run its course.”
“And how long does that take?”
“According to my ‘Dr. Mom’s’ manual it will take up to fourteen days to heal.”
“FOURTEEN DAYS! I have things to do, places to go. I can’t go out like this. People will recoil, small dogs will run away whimpering. Children will scream. I’m a freaking leper!”
“My, my…aren’t you being just a little dramatic, Dear?”
“You’re not the one with Mount Vesuvius on your face ready to erupt at any moment.”
Smiling the wife said, “Wanna play the floor is lava?”
“Not funny! Quick! Find my N95 Covid mask! Good Lord, I’m not sure this lip will fit under a mask! Hey! Where are you going? You’re leaving in my time of need, are you? What ever happened to for better or for worse?”
“I am totally ready for the better part now,” the wife said going out the door. “See you in fourteen days. In the meantime, go hide in the basement and wait for the teenagers to come down… You’re kind of hideous…”
Raul Ascunce is a freelance columnist for the Sentinel-Tribune. He may be contacted at [email protected].
