I hesitate to even write this column because the risk of failure is so great. On many, many occasions similar attempts have been made only to be foiled by a chocolate chip cookie, and ice cream cone, or a piece of hot apple pie alamode. I am, of course, talking about a diet.

“Honey,” the wife said to me, “we are going to go on a diet to improve our overall health. We have both put on some weight and it’s time we address the issue.”

Affirming her assessment of our current situation I said, “Are you crazy? At our ripe old age of seventy-one, ‘willpower’ is no longer in our vocabulary. It has been replaced by ‘the will to live’ and if you put me on a diet, I will no longer have the will to live.”

“Hold on, Dear, I have been doing some research and the Mediterranean diet seems to be the most palatable and healthy diet that will help us lose weight. It includes fruits, vegetables, fish, whole grains, beans and legumes, nuts, seeds, herbs and spices, and enough olive oil to lubricate the entire fleet of Walmart semis.”

“I do NOT see smash burger anywhere on that list! Therefore, I shall not participate in this ill-fated endeavor. Smash burger is the entire base of the food pyramid, right below cheese curls and chocolate covered pretzels. I am totally surprised you did not know that,” I said smugly crossing my arms.

“You are so full of it! Smash burgers are why your belts don’t buckle anymore. Listen to me,” she said trying to sell me on the diet, “even whole grain pasta is on the diet!”

“Pasta?” I said misting up. “I love pasta…so much… the only thing I love more than pasta is smash burgers and maybe you…”

“So,” the wife asked, “are you willing to go on the Mediterranean diet with me?”

“Promise you won’t legume me to death. I have an intestinal bad reaction to legumes. I had a legume lasagna once that landed me in the ER. I guess I’ll go on the Mediterranean diet with you.”

“Oh, Honey, you’ve made me so happy! We are going to be positively svelte. And healthy too!”

At this point I should probably explain that the wife is a very competitive person. It’s not enough that I agree to diet with her, she wants it to be a contest to see who loses the most weight. Conversely, I am probably the least competitive person in the world. I hate competition because I always lose. It’s in my DNA.

“This is exciting,” the wife said over our Mediterranean toast with tomatoes, basil and feta cheese. “If I lose more weight than you in one month, what do I win?”

Thinking really hard I finally said, “I will buy you a smash burger with cheese curls. How’s that sound?”

Shaking her head the wife said, “You are hopeless…”

Raul Ascunce is a freelance columnist for the Sentinel-Tribune. He may be contacted at [email protected].